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Suicide is painless??

As I begin this latest post, what comes to mind, is the agony that I have endured this past April. I've lost people that I loved dearly, stuck in another dead end mindless, factory job, stuck in an apartment that I hate that is way too small for my family. I went to the water this morning, drinking, and trying to make sense of why life is the way it is. I looked yearningly into that deep water, wanting to end it all. Wanting peace and not to mourn, wanting not to worry instead of worryingly incessantly. This life has brought me so much turmoil and anguish, peace comes at varying times, but is not constant. I just wanted life to be over.

But, as I studied those waters, not for the first time, wondering what life would be like away from here, I again came to the only decision worth making. It's better to live, no matter the quality of life. I have suffered from recurring depression and anxiety for about 20 years. The depression I was diagnosed with is situational major depressive disorder. Originally it was major depressive disorder but I have long since attributed to my environment and circumstances at that moment. I have once almost tied a noose around my neck to hang myself on the doorknob. There was another situation in which I took a high amount of pills and mixed them with alcohol, hoping to end it painlessly, but paramedics saved my life by pumping my stomach in time.

For the times that were less dire, I focused on who would miss me when I was gone. Right offhand, I would think everyone would be better off without me, but then again, my next thoughts switch to my children, the ones who need and depend on me more than any in this world. I'm empathetic enough to know, they would be in pieces, wondering why I didn't love them enough to stay. I taught my kids from the moment they could comprehend, that suicide is a sin. I have read stories of children committing suicide, which prompted me to let them know this is not an option. But even though I taught them this when they were younger, today, my mind wanted that relief anyway.

I didn't go through with it because as much as I do not feel life would be worth living at this moment, that everyone would be better off, that just simply is not true. Life is what we make it. We can make it more and more difficult as the days go on, or we can try to make our lives a bit easier by making better choices. My kids would probably believe suicide is easier and attempt it anyway. My sisters, father, relatives would just wonder why, they have always loved me. My life ending may not make anyone's life easier, but make it harder for them to cope and deal with life without me.

Everytime I thought about going through with it, there are a number of things that stopped. One is God. I am not a person who believes in organized religion, due to the hypocrisy of others, no fit to judge themselves let alone the rest of us. But I do believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Two is my children, the example I set for them always and the love they are capable of giving me that no one else can. Three is once the transition occurs, I cannot change my mind. If I get to the other side and I don't get the peace there I was seeking, there's no going back. Suicide is a permanent selfish decision, No matter how bad you are hurting, the hurt becomes contagious.

I wrote this for others who believe life is not worth living. That peace is for the hereafter instead of today. We have to endure the difficult intricacies of life. Life can always be worse, but it can always be better. Look into therapy, medicinal regimens for your specific diagnosis. Talk to family and friends. They are there to help and love and value you more than you know. Put that negativity you feel into making your situation better for you and those you love. Take up new hobbies, learn a trade. Just know that you are valued and loved, despite what you may think. Someone will be hurting if you are not here. Love yourself enough to know that this struggle of life is not just something you are going through, but it's meant to make you stronger and your will resilient. Figure out solutions, but make sure that if they do not work out, you can start back at square one to figure out what will work for you and your life. With suicide, there are no other options. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK, anytime, day or night, or chat online. They also provide confidential support via text message if you dial or text 741741. Please just know that you are not alone.

If you'd like to comment on your experience or the experience of someone you know, or give feedback, please share below.❤️💫

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