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My Sixth Heartbeat In Heaven

Hey hey everyone! Thanks so much to all who have subscribed to my blog and also thank you for checking out my first episode of my YouTube channel, Happiness Is A Choice 2. (@happinessisachoice2) My first episode was kind of shaky as this is my first time on camera addressing an audience so my apologies for that. I promise my second episode will be so much better! If you would like to subscribe, search for my handle, @happinessisachoice2. If my content resonates with you, like, share, and subscribe. Your support, no matter how much or how minimal, means so very much to me! I know I have to be more consistent with my blog. At the moment I am juggling two jobs, but I promise to give you more content on here, whenever I am able.

Today, is a very thoughtful and emotional day for me. I never knew when I wanted to discuss this but now that so much time has passed, it feels more right than ever. August 11th was the due date of my sixth child, a child that I ended up miscarrying in January 2021. My baby would have been 2 years old this year. I was only about nine weeks along at the time so I do not know if it was a son or daughter, what I do know is that I would have been happy to have had a healthy baby.

When I found out I was pregnant for the fifth time, I felt different before I ever even took the test, and not just the symptoms either. I have always been an incredibly intuitive person, not psychic, mostly gut feelings and natural instinct and ninety percent of the time, I am right about what I feel in my heart and soul. Somehow, I knew something different was going to occur to change my life forever. At that point in my life, I had been seeing this guy named Mike for some months whom I had known for some years. It wasn't a "real" relationship, basically half of a relationship, one that I can honestly say he was at my house every night. We were never careful although he was adamant about having no more kids. Then in November 2020, it happened. 👶🏾🤰🏾

When I bought the test, I was going through a plethora of emotions. In that year I was thirty-seven years old, so my age was definitely a concern for me. I was also though really really happy. My life felt complete. My children do indeed complete me, but this baby felt like the final piece to our family dynamic. When the test was positive, I had THE biggest smile on my face. I was over the moon but at the same time scared to death of a miscarriage, which I had never endured in my prior four pregnancies. I've never been a heavy drinker, but this made me stop that immediately. I started bonding with him or her, putting my hands on my stomach. I started envisioning me and my other kids fitting the baby into our lives. I also very much intended to shut down my personal life. No one else, but me and my kids.

I thought this pregnancy would be the same as all my others, I'd eat a lot, grow, and then give birth. They say every pregnancy is different, but this was truly truly different for me from the very beginning. I believe it was my fifth week, not too long after finding out, that I went to the emergency room with a severe splitting headache that would not go away, and I knew something was wrong because it had been a long time since I had migraines and that was due to me needing glasses at the time. The E.R also informed me I had high blood pressure. It all turned out to be due to me being dehydrated due to the lack of water, all because of the pregnancy. I have never been a big water drinker but tried as much as I could at this point. I kept going back to the E.R for the same thing at least two more times. I wanted this baby so bad, prayed over my belly so much. The fourth and final E.R visit was due to me bleeding. I rode the bus there, praying as much as possible, wishing to God it wasn't a miscarriage. When I got into a room, an ultrasound tech was called in to check on my baby. I was so very nervous, cupping the little bulge I felt in my stomach already, praying and hoping. It seemed like it took her forever to get there. Once she did and gave me and gave me an ultrasound through a vaginal wand, she informed me that although she seen the amniotic sac that holds the baby, she did not see a baby, even though the blood test confirmed I was pregnant. The doctor then visited me and said that some women my age suffer from blighted ovum miscarriages. This is where the baby starts to develop but then breaks down, probably due to an abnormality in the DNA. I started bawling immediately. Thankfully my friend Corry came to get me because I cried all the way home.

The pain of that cut way deep. It wasn't just emotional and mental, but physical too. My best friend, Steffany, took me to a doctor to see if I would need a D&C. that is a procedure in which they would use a surgical instrument to remove tissue from my womb. Luckily for me, this didn't have to occur, but I swear my body expelling everything in my stomach was way worse than having my arm slammed into a car door. The mothers out there that have experienced this, feel me completely. Emotionally and mentally, I cried a lot, my heart felt so empty. At one point I told my friend that I felt like I would never smile genuinely again. Eventually and fortunately, I did. I took pride in what God did give me, five healthy beautiful kids that I had the pleasure to nurture and mold. I may not have any more, and that's okay. Enjoying life with my loved ones truly matters. I never thought the worst thing in my life would ever happen to me, but it did. I comfort myself by knowing my lil "pumpkin" is with God and not knowing of this sometimes cruel and senseless world, but then again, I know that baby would have changed so many things that occurred in the last two years and I yearn for that. I suffered something no woman should have to endure, yet I became stronger because of it, strong enough to move forward. No matter how much time moves forward, I will always, always love that baby as though it had been born, just as much as I do the kids that are here with me. And he or she, will always have a place in my heart, always.💫

If you have a similar experience to mine, please feel free to like, comment, share, and subscribe to my blog and my YouTube channel, @happinessisachoice2. And also, please comment below! 💫

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