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Let that hurt go Beloved..

Updated: May 2, 2023

First of all, I just have to say, thanks so much for the views on my first blog post! I plan on posting weekly so please subscribe so that you can be updated as to when I add future posts. Your support is very much appreciated!

Today the topic that has been on my mind is acrimony. As a matter of fact, Tyler Perry's Acrimony is a good example of what I'm speaking on today. It was a very good movie but with a tragic, tragic ending. For those of you who do not know, the movie was about a woman who is so in love with her husband that while he was trying to perfect and sell his battery invention, she worked to support him, hold him down, and be the woman he wanted and needed her to be. They end up getting divorced after which he finally sells his invention and at a hefty price. He still does right by her though and overpaid her monies she spent supporting him. Any other man probably would not have done that as the marriage was legally over beforehand. She then realizes that she still loves him but it is too late as he ends up falling for, marrying, and impregnating another woman. They never had any children together. She then starts on this campaign to ruin their lives which culminates in him being shot and her drowning in the ocean. I'm not too sure if he died or not as Tyler left that part unclear. Moral of the movie though is that bitterness ruined her life and the lives of the people around her.

As you all know, our lives grow and evolve constantly. Friendships may be lost through the years, relationships end, jobs conclude, etc. The majority of us can adapt, play through the pain, but eventually we move on. Then there's the minority, those who fixate on their failures, what could've been, or what used to be. Instead of dealing with the pain and moving ahead, the bitterness of all of those negative thoughts, will have people to believing they have to do the most to have whatever situation their way again and will go to extremes to make this happen, even at the expense of their own life. Life is not just all about change, but also about how well we adapt or react to it.

There have been times in my life where I have been acrimonious. One situation that comes to mind is when I was dealing with Larry in my early twenties. I loved this man with all my heart and soul. So much so that when he would leave, I would physically hurt in my heart. But when he would come around, it was like the sun came out on a rainy day. Our vibe was always natural, never forced. I actually proposed to him twice because I could see me spending the rest of my life with him, even at the tender age of 22 and 23. Although our connection was strong, there were red flags. One of which being that he did not live with me. When we met, my apartment was very tiny, just a one bedroom with 2 small kids and I was pregnant with my daughter at the time. A year after we met, I moved to a 3 bedroom with plenty of space and had envisioned him living with me and us sharing our lives together. He had excuses for not moving in, none of which never made sense. It would get me angry, but I wouldn't react in any type of way as to not spoil our time together. I stupidly thought everything would come together in time and we would live happily ever after, like my mom's romance novels I would often steal and read when I was a kid. This situation is the very reason I'm a hardcore realist today and why I will look at a person's actions versus their words because if they don't match up, then that's not for me.

Anyway, after two years of getting nothing but excuses, I had finally purchased a computer for my home. This was back in 2007 when it seemed everyone was starting to have home computers installed. One of my very first social media pages was created on that computer via Myspace. When Larry seen I had a computer, he directed me to his page where he was posting his music, trying to get discovered. So then I created my own page. I cannot remember how long it was after that but I remember going onto his page, listening to his music, being supportive, as much as I could be anyway. I noticed his top friend was a woman, who called herself, "Larry's wifey". After investigating her page a little further, very confused, I then came to find out he had moved in with her over the course of the last year and never said anything. My world, heart, and soul were shattered. This was the first man that I loved that deeply, deeper than I had ever known still to this day. The more I thought about all the questionable things he did and said in the past, the more it all made sense. He was never consistently with me at night, a lot of times I had to twist his arm. He said no to my proposals, claiming he wasn't "ready yet" The more I thought about everything and the more lies I discovered, the more enraged I became. My cellphone was off at that moment in time but somehow, I managed to get a message to him, two single solitary words that I knew would get to him and make him desperate to get to me, "I'm pregnant."

At that point in my life, I felt so hurt, so betrayed, so humiliated, so angry, spiteful, yet still so very much in love. It was a seemingly never-ending battle between my head and my heart. I felt as though I deserved him more and should have him and thought of ways of getting him all to myself. He had wanted a child with me immediately after we met, even once admitting that he wanted to trap me. Larry always wanted kids and had gotten a girl pregnant in the past but she ended up having a miscarriage. When we met, I was already pregnant but didn't know it and he was not the father of that child. What I also didn't know was that he held that against me and that was one of the factors that caused him to move in with, we'll call her Melissa. By the time I found out about her, my daughter was well over a year old and we had been trying at that point so I had no trouble convincing him that I was pregnant even though in truth, I was not. I wanted him and although he was a lying scumbag, I didn't want to lose him, I didn't want to lose period and trust I went and told her everything. After that, I was nothing short of miserable. I couldn't sleep and would pace through the night and the day. I was drinking early and every day for about a week or two. and I'm not a morning nor a day drinker. We had fights in public and private as I constantly threw my hurt in his face. I wanted to die, commit suicide. More than anything though, I wanted vengeance. Somebody needed to pay for my pain. I used that pregnancy at any turn to make him as miserable as I felt. I threatened abortion, to disappear, etc. He bamboozled me yet I couldn't just stop loving him regardless of it.

Long story short, this went on for a few months. I tried to get pregnant by him naturally so the lie would never be exposed, but it was never to be. By this time though, my rage had dissipated to guilt and regret and panic. He was going to discover the truth unless I did something, so I had a friend watch my kids, and told him I would meet him at the hospital because I thought I was having a miscarriage. When we met with the doctor, they ran tests on me and concluded I was not pregnant. At the time, the verbiage didn't quite hit home, but I know now today, the doctor had basically said I had never been pregnant. I had to sit there and swallow the guilt rising in my throat, much like nausea, and watch this grown ass man cry. I wanted to confess right then and there but after I had told him I was pregnant, he started putting hands on me, choking me at times. I was too scared to admit what I did. Eventually though I told him everything. Why? Because I knew I was wrong and needed to clear my conscience. I concocted this whole lie to win, and I won nothing but misery, regret and woe. It was at that age that I had really, really learned in that situation, two wrongs definitely do not make a right and I would have been better off all along if I had moved on immediately. I felt lower than dirt, lower than shit, and wanted to be free and clear of that misery because at the end of the day, any day, I just wanted to be happy. Larry didn't end up dismissing from his life forever either, actually it made him hold onto to me more. But that's another story for another day.

My point is, it's better to move forward, move on. When God or whatever higher power you serve, shows you what is right in front of your face, deal with it but move past it. Nothing good comes from being vengeful, spiteful, and bitter and those that take it upon themselves to physically harm people or property, will themselves never get the ending they were longing for. They end up damaging their credibility, morality, and ultimately even their own lives. Betty Broderick is another example that comes to mind. She was angry her husband dumped her for a younger woman, who he then married. They were together for almost twenty years, and she felt he threw her away for Linda, his secretary. After consistently and constantly destroying his name and property as well as being mentally abusive, she ended up fatally shooting her ex and his new wife in their bed six months after their marriage. Betty will more than likely spend the rest of her life prison because she still feels to this day, that she was driven to do this, that she had the right because he ruined their lives and family, when in reality, she did. I believe though she was driven by her own rage and inability to adapt to change and move on with the rest of her life. I am blessed that now as an older woman and throughout my thirties, I was and am capable of handling rejection or change by dealing with it, being accepting of what is or is not meant to be and moving forward with positive affirmations in mind. I want to use my life to help you and others not only avoid the bad decisions I've made, but also to encourage and let you know you are not alone in dealings with heartache, heartbreak, etc. Focus on writing, a new venture, your kids. Something that will positively take the focus off of your pain and pour your passion into. Eventually, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and go on to hopefully live your best life imaginable.💫

Do you have or know of a similar story of vengeance and acrimony? Feel free to comment below!

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