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Don't Give Up, Don't Give In

Hey, hey, hey! I know it's been a minute since I've added a new blog post but I am very happy to take a few minutes to update you on my life and the new challenges I have been facing. I am also looking into several ventures on my path to entrepreneurship and have recently released three children's books on Amazon called, Kita's Sharing Lesson, A Is For Apple..and All About Colors. I am currently working on my fourth titled, SImply Shapes. Despite all of this, I recently took more of an interest in my love life or rather, lack thereof. This is what my blog post is about today so thank you for simply being a sounding board and letting me share my thoughts and feelings with you.

I am so very close to being bitter, I am fighting that with every fiber of my being. It's like in order to be with someone, you have to be a user, or morally loose. It's like the saying "Nice guys finish last." But overtime, I have come to realize, this doesn't just apply to nice guys. I have done such a good job of being numb, guarding my feelings like a knight guarding royalty. One of my characteristics is that I love too hard, and often, it was to someone who did not deserve it or someone takes me for granted. I worked hard to not become attached to men because then I won't get hurt and won't have to work to overcome and bury the hurt. I recently connected with two men peeled the guard off just a bit and now I am a tiny bit hurt and trying to get back to the inpenetrable and untouchable, emotionless me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and feel I have great qualities that would make a great wife, and if I don't push me to move forward, take a chance, that is exactly what is going to happen.

The first guy I met was over a month ago. He was one of my Facebook followers and I sent him a friend request but did not reach out as I stay in Michigan and he stays in Tennessee. One day I just commented on his story and he responded and that's how we came to conversate at all. I really liked him. He was within my age range, something like five or six years younger. He was definitely handsome, nice, and he was single because he was tired of lying, cheating, scheming females. We spent a whole week Facetiming and getting to know each other as well meetingup, eventually. After that first week, it was all dead on his end. I would message, he would read and barely respond. I wondered what I could have possibly done to push his attention away. I hate when people hold on instead of letting go. How many times must I say, " I won't waste your time, please don't waste mine." I hate when people block someone else's blessing because they're unsure, or on the fence, or whatever. If you are incapable or unwilling to put in effort, say so. He never did nor would and actually had the audacity to "pretend" like he was still interested though he subposted showing me he wasn't. I call people like this selfish time wasters. No one is promised tomorrow, yet they'll waste your time instead of letting you know what's the real deal to allow you to move on with grace.

The second man was one whom I recently went on a date with. We met on and Facetimed a few times a day for about three or four days. I'll call him Frank. The chemistry was definitely there. He had been single for a year because the last two girlfriends used him and also cheated due to him working a lot. We had so much in common, it was mind boggling. He actually had me believing that love could be possible after all. He even said he wanted to "make me see good men were still out there." I had to correct that, I am not one of these women out here who believes all men are dogs. I have always believed good men were out in the world, they're just far and few between. When he pulled up for our bowling date and jumped out to look deeply in my eyes and hug me, the chemistry and connection deepened. We had a lot of fun. I suck at bowling but he was great at it and won. Everytime I looked at the way he looked at me, i was falling more and more. Usually most men look at me with lust in their eyes, not him. I told him I felt like he cherished me, like I was more than a pretty face with body, like he could see my soul. In my heart of heart, it felt nice not to be the ice queen. To feel the butterflies in my stomach, and when our hands touched. I have been called emotionless time and time again. It was nice to let those out.

And that is where it ends. He lives in Detroit which is fourty-five minutes from me. Frank texted me when he got home. I texted him that I hoped he had a good time and we can get together soon. He said ditto and he had a good time as well. Then I said something out of my comfort zone and said I really really liked him. He left me on read for about six hours. One of the things I liked about him was his consistency. People will make time for who and what they want and he was very very consistent. I do not believe that it took him even two hours to text me back. That literally changed overnight. When he finally did text back, it was only after I was like, "If you don't want to be bothered, all you have to do is say so but don't have me looking stupid cause your feelings changed" He said what did I mean, of course he liked me. So I said basically that the consistency has changed and I can move on but don't half hold on for nothing. I never and still have not received any word back and he would not answer my call. That made me cry, I deserve a man who will be a man and let me know what's up. good or bad. On one of our Facetimes, I told him if I were his woman, I would make sure to keep a smile and his face and his happiness would absolutely be a priority. His response? No woman has ever said that to me before. And I am not an unattractive women, so I know my appearance was not the problem, what could it have possibly been and what matters is letting go instead of hanging on. I don't like to look like a fool if I don't have to, my time is precious and I will move on before I waste my valuable and irreplaceable time or something or someone not worthwhile.

These last two experiences were almost enough to make me give up on dating and love. My love and loyalty are two of my strong suits but it seems as though men just want a golddigger, a slut, someone who argues with them crazy and would rather disturb their peace rather than create and enhance it. The takers are winning when a good relationship is supposed to be give and take. They say women don't want a good man, this goes for men too in my opinion. I had to really ponder all of this very deeply. Though I am on the edge of giving up, I'm not going to do that. I am not going to let the time wasters win and spoil all the love and loyalty I am capable of giving to someone who deserves it. Maybe God blocked this because HE knows something I don't. I am not going to give up because I deserve happiness too. I am not perfect and am a work in progress everyday of my life. But my good qualities outweigh the bad. I choose not to gold dig because how can you build an empire on one person's back. My man deserves my support if needed just as I do. I don't believe in cheating and lies, you're holding onto someone's blessing you don't deserve and also wasting time that you can't get back. I choose peace rather than drama because my man deserves peace, after all he and I already have enough problems dealing with the world, why make your home, which is supposed to be your Shangrhi La, a battleground.

Writing my blogs helps me oh so much. It helps me to put my life in perspective, to refocus and what's good about life instead of what's wrong. In the past three years since my miscarriage, my negativity was on a thousand. I have been working on seeing the bright side when something goes wrong. I am not going to regress because someone tricked and played me. I will continue to move forward, focus on my dreams and various businesses, love will come eventually. Someone once told me about eight years ago, the possibility of me gtting married in my thirties and beyond as a single mother of five children, were slim to none. I refuse to believe that, and I refuse to let an ignorant comment push me into a situation that will make me miserable, just to say I am not alone. My happiness will come, but on my terms. I refuse to settle.

Thank you for taking a few minutes out of your day so I could vent. If you have a similar story or just want to leave feedback or advice, feel free to comment below!💫

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