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Don't Be No Damn Fool

Hey hey everyone! Thanks so much for tuning into my newest blog post! With work, kids, and other business to attend to, it's hard to put as much focus as I can into my blog. I am officially launching my channel Happiness Is A Choice 2 in July. I hope you will tune in and get to know me and my mindset in person. This blog site was launched by me so that you the reader/viewer can get to know me a little bit and some of the things I have been through. I will explain more about what to expect when I get closer to the launch date of my first episode to give you an idea of what my channel will be about. In the meantime, thanks for your support!

Today I would like to talk about something that triggered me. As the world very well knows, Chrisean Rock has been in an on/off relationship with rapper Blueface. In the midst of this chaotic relationship, she got pregnant. Now I don't actually think she got pregnant to necessarily keep him, but when she said she prayed for this child, it made me think of myself when I was twenty years old, my life just beginning and there were so many things I could have done with my life, but instead, I became a mother for a second time.

I had my first son, Perris, when I was nineteen years old. His father and I actually had planned to elope at 18 but thankfully, that never happened. We actually broke up and went on a date months later which is when I got pregnant with him. At five months of my pregnancy, I ended up meeting the father of my second son, Kenny. He did not mind that I was already pregnant, and I knew when our hands touched, he would be someone significant in my life. The spark was just that great. We were both head over hills in love immediately and our relationship progressed very quickly, so quickly that it concerned my grandmother. We basically spent every day together and my grandmother felt that was unhealthy. Now that I am older and a bit wiser, I realize she was very right.

Two weeks into the relationship, Kenny cheated on me with the mother of his daughter. He gave a great show, fake crying, as he would later admit, saying that she wrestled him down and gave him two hickeys. Kenny is 6'4 and at the time, 220lbs. She was the same height as me. I knew he was full of shit and had actually planned on ending the relationship at that point, but the fake crying, which was over the phone by the way, got to me a little bit. Plus, I liked him and thought he was remorseful. I forgave, but I never forgot and ended up cheating on him a few times without him ever even knowing.

Anyway, we moved past his indiscretion or rather indiscretions. I moved into an independent living apartment building for mothers and their kids in Detroit. My grandmother and I were having problems getting along and I needed space for a peaceful pregnancy. I expected Kenny to be supportive, but this strained us and behind my back, he kept cheating with Larissa. I gave birth to Perris four months into our relationship. He wasn't there for the birth, but he did end up coming after and brought me food. After Perris was born, the love between Kenny and I seemed to grow deeper. I was hopeful after some time, maybe a few years, we would get married, I would have his baby, and we would blend our families. However, that wasn't to be. Little did I realize that his cheating early into the relationship, was a huge red flag, that I would end up paying the price for later.

When Perris was almost a month old, I let his grandmother take him to her family's house for Thanksgiving. Kenny and I planned on eating at his mother's whom he was living with at the time. Larissa came inside to drop off their daughter and dropped a huge bombshell on me. Kenny was still cheating, and Larissa was pregnant with his second child. I still remember feeling like someone had thrown ice cold water over me. Kenny deflected, calling her a ho and a liar who was just trying to cause problems. When she left, he vehemently denied being the father of the new baby and claimed it was some guy in the neighborhood. I asked why she would name Kenny specifically as the absolute father. He lied, lied, lied. I honestly cannot remember what he said but it didn't sit right with my spirit. I had not cheated up to that point, after I found out that news, all bets were off. But instead of doing the right thing and moving on, I followed the "two wrongs make a right" saying. At this point, I was madly in love and did not want to give him up. I figured he had his cake and ate it too, why shouldn't I.

After Larissa's pregnancy revelation, our relationship grew chaotic, we fought, broke up often, and then would get right back together. We didn't even celebrate our first New Years Eve together and broke up and got back together on Christmas Day. I had resentment in my heart from his deception that even cheating could not quell. Finally, one day in January, after watching a similar situation on Jenny Jones and seeing that the cheater was proven to be the father of his ex's baby, I called up Kenny and told him it was over for good and then promptly hung up. Something inside that I now know was my intuition, told me that unborn baby was his. I wanted to end it so that I could get over him and move on. He called and called and called and at first, I refused to answer. Finally, ten calls later I answered, and he was seemingly devastated. He begged me to at least talk with him before ending it. I was going over to my grandmothers anyway that day and agreed to let him come by. We ended up talking and I agreed to work it out. That love was scary to me. I had never loved anyone with my whole heart and soul before, so much so it hurt. That pain lingered and lingered, because I just knew that baby was his

That love blinded me, retarded my judgement, and changed me. I had decided since he won't let me go, I would have his baby to keep him and to connect us forever. I was actually this stupid at twenty years old, but I imagine we all have done foolish things, though this is one I am hesitant to admit, even to this day. After Perris was born, I was taking birth control. When Kenny talked me into staying with him, I stopped though admittedly I wasn't really good at remembering to take them anyway. I got pregnant with my second son Maurice when Perry was three months old. Kenny did not know I wasn't taking my pills. I figured he left me in the dark and deceived me, who cares what he knew or didn't know. I was very scared to tell him I was pregnant, and I think maybe he already sensed that I was. When I showed him the pregnancy test, he sat there for the longest time staring off into space. Kenny was only a year older than me, and I think he was swallowing the fact that he was going to have three kids at twenty-one years old. I also think he was figuring out my lies and that I essentially tricked him.

Our relationship went from bad to worse. He did not break up with me but the love that had burned fiercely was beginning to cool and he was slowly but surely pulling away. My pregnancy hormones were wild, and I grew even more in love and became very desperate to keep us together. He started accepting numbers from women, the phone calls grew shorter and shorter. I was very depressed and actually went down to about 140lbs when I should have been gaining weight. He complained that my butt was starting to get flat. I cried a lot, and he just didn't care about me anymore, if he ever really did. When I was four months pregnant, we had one of our infamous breakups, but no makeup. By this time, Larissa's son had been born and he was indeed Kenny's. I remember being calm when he told me over the phone. Then I went into my room, and all of my rage was taken out on all of the things in my room, except of course my baby. I kept screaming over and over again "I KNEW IT!", so much so that people were concerned for my sanity. Eventually I calmed down, but I was still stupidly in love and wanted to make it work. One day though he was so uncaring, I broke up with him. Then I called him to get back together, and we just never did. That was when I started calling him twenty times a day. Monica's "So Gone" was the theme song of my life as well as a hit around that time. I would use other dudes to drive past his house. Them pregnancy hormones, coupled with the fact that I was very much in love still, made me an emotional mess. I ended up moving back to Port Huron and got my first apartment before our son was born. He helped with absolutely nothing. I ended up committing a few crimes to make sure my kids had diapers, clothes, food because the income the state was giving me went entirely to my rent.

Anyway I ended up mourning that relationship for almost a year before I was really ready to move on. But I learned a life long lesson, having a man's child will not entitle you to the man. It's a life long tie and the man does not necessarily have to do anything for the child you created together. I had always thought Kenny was a good father to his daughter. It never occurred to me until later that his mother basically did everything for her besides be her father. He was never a good father to Maurice, seen him briefly as a baby and child, only ever bought him a truck and shoes when he was four. I did everything else without any child support or anything. Finally, when Maurice was hurt in a car accident that we were all blessed to walk away from with minimal injuries, Kenny's mother knew what happened and told Kenny. Kenny never even bothered to call and inquire as to whether he was okay. In fact, at that point he had not seen Maurice in years and was living in Ohio. I sent him a Facebook message offering to agree to terminate his rights and he would not have to worry about child support or us in ever again. I was dead serious. His reaction? To block me on Facebook. I laughed and shrugged and left it at that.

That concludes the story of the first love of my life. I never again got pregnant by a man on purpose, nor do I believe in love at first sight anymore. My son is now twenty years old and a true blessing from God. He is kind, smart, and loves God with his whole heart and soul. Kenny wanted me to get an abortion all those years ago but I declined. I know now God meant for him to be here, even if it was under deceitful circumstances. A child can either make or break a relationship. It definitely broke ours and I learned that children don't keep men. A man who wants to be kept will be and the red flags were a sign to leave him alone sooner not later but when a woman is dumb in love, especially a chaotic love, she becomes weak and weak minded. This is a cautionary tale to other women who think love conquers all. For the most part, love is just not enough.

Do you have a story of a love in which you have acted or reacted out of character? Or if you want to leave a comment, please do so below!💫

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